You know your screwed when giving up is your second nature. When disappointment replaces your name. And when your nothing but a hopeless to people around you. Shame, one week ago, a month ago, a year ago I would not have, would never let these word describe me or define me. Didn’t matter if others thought so, cause I didn’t. But last night everything changed.I realized that I couldn’t hide my problems under my happy looking smile or loud annoying laugh. No. Nothing could really hide the truth, the ugly one in that.
I saw the real me again, trapped under the stereotype, pressure, stress and that disgusting fake fucking smile.
I really, really thought i have changed my life around. That I have now got myself back on the right track. I have successfully lied and convinced myself that moving to Sydney is beneficial for me, that I wouldn’t have trouble finding friends that I can trust, that fitting in would be easy. That maintaining my happiness which I’ve just obtained 3years ago would be easy. I knew it wouldnt be easy. I knew none of these would be easy. The real me knew. But the bloody fucking show off that has to be a parent pleaser fucking lied to me. How did I lie to myself? and now I’m here. Alone. In Misery. As a disappointing daughter and a person and a peer. As a boring, invisible Asian girl who nobody gives a shit about.
Fuck why do I over think everything.
PROCRASTINATION IS MY PROFESSION
ahaha fuck you, im so bloody cut I wasn’t there
Depression and feeling lonely, For me it’s been the same thing since a very young age. I remember the time i felt/had my first butterfly and anxiety. I was a 3year old girl maybe younger, who couldn’t sleep during nap time. I don’t remember much of my childhood, actually i remember nearly none, but I still remember the emotions and thoughts I felt and had that day; sadness, loneliness, anxiousness and the butterfly. But the saddest part is that this uncomfortable sensation never left my side. All through my teen age life this sentiment of self doubt and pity, this strong depressive emotion always hold me back. Some how it got worse when i was carefree and happy. One day around the age of 13 my mind told me that I was too happy and this can’t be true and led me to believe I am not allowed to be happy. I trapped myself in a small box to separate something I still haven’t figured out. That was step one.